appreciate

 Originally posted 2012.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” - Thornton Wilder

I don't think a person can ever appreciate enough.  It takes what could be stressful situations and turns them into something positively powerful.

I got a call around 9:20 last night that our daycare provider, who is never, ever sick . . . is sick.  My husband has been in Tennessee for work since Sunday night and not expected home until about 9:00 tonight.  I'm a teacher, which means "calling in sick" is actually a very long, work-involved process of sub plans and room preparation.

With 2 sleeping kids and no husband at home, there was no way that I could reasonably go into school to make sub plans.  Of course, making them from home is always an option, but I still need to go in at some point.  Long story short, I was feeling a lot of pressure to figure out a plan, but really no easy answer.  So . . . I put my worries away, left a message with my in-laws, enjoyed an hour or reading in bed, and trusted that things would work out or I'd at least manage in the morning.  Sure enough, when I tried my in-laws again this morning, they were happy to take my sweet boy, who will jump for joy when he finds out that he gets a day with Grandma and Grandpa all to himself.  This is a beautiful thing!!  Certainly not worth stressing about, so I am glad that I was able to purposefully make another choice.

And then this morning I was listening to the news.  The bodies of two sweet, young girls who went missing in July in Iowa were found by hunters yesterday.  My heart squeezed with so much sadness.  I think of those parents and what they must be feeling.  I can't even begin to comprehend where I'd go from there.  I think of those girls and what they must have gone through . . . and I'm flooded with anger for the evil that took them from their innocent lives.

I think of how fortunate I am that this morning I can get my beautiful boys up, hug them so close, and tell them all over again how deeply crazy I am for them, how hugely I love them, how nothing will ever change that.  And I'm grateful . . . and I appreciate today.  Even in the middle of chaos and darkness, there is much to appreciate if you can see between the curtains.

It is worth a peek.

sunshine

Spending each day with fourth graders is a bit like playing the lottery.  Every single day is full of a hopeful, positive feeling . . . like you just might "hit it big" . . .  and sometimes at the end of the day, you reflect and you DO.  You have a day that is filled with "ah-hah" moments, smiles and giggles, friendships that warm your heart, patience and an act of true, selfless kindness from one nine year old to another that reminds you what life is really all about.  And then some moments you feel like you lose . . . big time.

Today I found out that one of my students - who was just yesterday an active, happy, fabulous part of our team - isn't coming back . . . he moved all the way to another state, just.like.that.  No goodbyes, which feels a bit like a sucker punch, no time to process, just gone.

Admittedly, it is part of the "business."  Most teachers gain a whole new class at the beginning of each school year and bid those lovlies goodbye the following June.  I also realize that in my district, stability is the norm, not the exception, so we deal with this far, far, less frequently than teachers in some other places.

But!  None of that makes it any easier.  My kids at school are exactly that . . . my kids!  Sure they have homes and families and they leave me each day, but when we are in school, we are a team . . . a school family.  I have a fierce teacher-love for them that drives me to show up, work hard, expect the best, and hold them accountable, just like I do my own beautiful children at home.

So today when I found out that B left us, I had an instant lump in my throat.  I hate knowing that he didn't get to say goodbye, that my other 24 kiddos didn't get to say goodbye, and that *I* didn't get to say goodbye.  When I had to tell my kids that he moved, I might have choked up just a little . . . and then came the sunshine.

We made cards.  It was an optional activity during quiet time, but every one of those precious nine and ten year olds got out their best markers, creative ideas, gentle words, and chose their favorite colored sheet of construction paper.  They crafted, they illustrated, they cut, they glued, they wrote, they chose their best Pokemon cards to carefully tape inside in a selfless gesture of friendship, and one even made an elaborate diorama scene of our classroom to remind him where we spent our days.

After school, I sat down to read through the cards before packing them up to send on to B.  And I got all teary.  You see . . . the innocence and genuine love that comes from the hearts and minds of kiddos who care about each other is the most powerful thing on earth!  The words that they used to wish him luck, the pictures that they drew to illustrate how much they'd miss him, their memories together, or what they'd remember about him . . . they stopped me from feeling so gloomy.

Instead I'm trying to see this for what it is . . . an adventure in the road that is our collective life.  People come and go and things don't always and won't always feel "right", but they are . . . because they are.  There is so much we can't control, so if we can hold close the "things" that matter most, we'll always remember that everything is just as it should be.

Maybe B's job in our classroom was to make us stop to appreciate each other a little more, because by December sometimes those sweet little nine and ten year olds start to bicker like siblings trapped in a Yugo on a 24 hour road trip.  Whatever it was, I'm confident that he is on the path that was meant for him, and I'm hopeful that he is feeling content and comforted tonight, remembering the people he met only in September, but who accepted him exactly as he was and who shed a tear today when they found out that our moments together were fleeting.

So while I left school feeling a bit like I lost the lottery today, as I reflect, I'm feeling a whole lot more like a winner.  I get to go back tomorrow after all . . . and that is a stroke of luck that can't be discounted!